10 introduction
girls playing in the hollow block corner, wearing hard hats and shouting
out raucously? Or do I feel the need to shush them or even to redirect
their play to something quieter, more demure, and, dare I say it, more
feminine? Do I feel comfortable when little boys cry or need support, or
do I subtly encourage them to hold back their emotional expression?
I am always proud of myself when I take out my toolbox and fix
a faucet or do something as simple as hammer a nail into the wall! I
never take it for granted. How can I? I bought my first toolbox when
I was forty-five years old. I had just gotten divorced and had moved
into an apartment on my own. During that year, I built myself a desk
and learned to fix all manner of things in my home. I realized just
how much helplessness I had learned as a girl. I felt empowered and
more confident each time I was able to take responsibility for the tasks
I used to think belonged only to men. I wonder, when I was a young
teacher of preschool girls back in the seventies and early eighties, if
I encouraged them to fix things or become curious about math and
science. I doubt it, because at that time I did not feel capable of such
manly tasks myself. I am sure that in subtle and even intentional ways,
I directed girls to domestic and nurturing types of play. I shudder to
think of it now!
Now, I find that I become agitated when I hear adults comment-
ing about little girls’ appearance with statements like “How pretty you
look,” or “What a pretty dress . . . ribbon . . . shoes . . . ” I would prefer
to encourage and support girls about how intelligent, curious, or strong
they are, or about their ability to solve problems. This has become a new
bias. Yet I am sure that girls also like to know how they look to others,
since society still puts a strong emphasis on appearances, clothes, and
body shapes.
I still have much work to do to find a balance between my biases,
learned and unlearned, old and new. But one thing is for sure: edu-
cation and self-reflection have given me numerous, different options
about how I think about and understand gender identity. In my book
“Don’t Get So Upset!” Help Young Children Manage Their Feelings by
Understanding Your Own (2008), I describe specific actions to take
when we decide to research our own self, especially when making
connections between our earliest emotional memories and our inter-
actions with the young children we care for and educate. Here are
some questions to help you learn about how you acquired your gender
identity: